Tag Archives: thoughts

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

Let’s demystify Thanksgiving with an amazing array of facts:

1. In a gesture to commemorate the safe passage across the Atlantic the year prior and to give spiritual thanks for surviving one year on the new continent, the Pilgrims celebrated with a feast in the autumn of 1621.

2. The Wamponoag Indians forged a friendship with the Pilgrims; teaching the Europeans how to cultivate and live off the land.  Pilgrim Governor William Bradford  shows his appreciation by inviting the Wamponoag to their celebration.

The Indians RSVP immediately, arrived early and stayed late.

3. The original Thanksgiving feast lasted three days.  The feast ceased to become known as a celebration and officially became a part-tay!

There were no leftovers.

4. The Pilgrims supplied the beer.  (The proprietors of Bacon Makes It Better have decided to refrain from inserting a culturally insensitive joke at this time).

5. President George Washington issued the first Thanksgiving Day Proclamation 1789, and later, in 1795.

6. In 1817, the state of New York officially made Thanksgiving into an annual custom.

7. Abraham Lincoln, not to be outdone by Washington, issued his own Thanksgiving Day Proclamation in 1863.  This officially set aside the last Thursday of November as a National Holiday for Thanksgiving.

8. Franklin D. Roosevelt moved the Thanksgiving holiday to the THIRD Thursday of November in an effort to expand the Christmas shopping season and do some economic stimulation.  Congress has since moved the holiday back to Lincoln’s proclamation.

9. The Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October.  They then emigrate to the US and celebrate OUR Thanksgiving, too.  This is a blatant double-dipping of partying.  Sneaky, Canucks.

10. Benjamin Franklin lobbied for the turkey to be the national bird of the United States.  He was ardently opposed by Thomas Jefferson.  It is believed that Franklin perpetuated the term “tom” when referring to a male turkey, a stealthy rebuttal to Jefferson’s opposition.  The term still exists today.

11. Almost 88% of Americans said that they eat turkey during Thanksgiving.  It has been estimated that 46 million turkeys– one-fifth of the annual consumption total– are eaten during Thanksgiving.

Made you look!

12. Cranberries are one of three fruits that are completely indigenous to American soil.  The blueberry and the Concord grape are the others.

Cap’n Crunch Berries, while unique to the US, do not count.

13. The Detroit Lions have played a football game during every Thanksgiving since 1934 (except during World War II).  The first televised “Turkey Bowl” game was in 1956.

14. It is estimated that 38.7 million Americans will travel 50 miles or greater from home during the Thanksgiving holiday.

15. Now go out and share your gluttony of new found knowledge to your friends and relatives during Thanksgiving!

Happy Turkey Day!

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An Open Letter to the Kid Blaring Music From His Car at Three in the Morning in My Quiet Suburban Cul de Sac

Dear Kid Blaring Music From His Car at Three in the Morning in My Quiet Suburban Cul de Sac,

Let me begin by writing that I don’t wish you to take my words personally. It’s just that I am a little unfocused and half-way still asleep as I write this, since your excessively loud music suddenly woke me from my deep and peaceful slumber.

It’s okay, I was gonna get up in five hours anyway.

I regret that you have had such a difficult life. Your behavior is clearly a reaction to the lack of attention that you received as a child. Your parents, damn them, should have minded you more than they did. Your desperate cry for attention did not go unheard (nice subwoofers, by the way). There’s nothing quite like a backseat full of speakers to communicate your angst to the rest of us.

The music you chose to play really helped to explain your plight. The anger and frustration in the music of that hip-hop artist you played spoke of issues that are clearly relevant to you and your lifestyle. The suburbs of Southern California can be a treacherous place, especially for a white adolescent male such as yourself. It pisses me off, too, that I have to get into my car every time I crave Starbucks. The ‘hood was never that crazy.

I can scarcely imagine how difficult it must be for you. Both of your parents (each well educated and gainfully employed) should try to understand you like I have. Just because they pay for your cell phone service doesn’t give them the authority to harass you about keeping your room clean or taking the trash out when it’s your night to do it. I bet they even gave you grief about letting you borrow the car tonight, the jerks.

Let’s recap:

Teen angst is, like, way more important than my good night’s sleep.

Your suburban existence makes hip-hop relatable for you. Totally.

If only your parents understood you like you understand hip-hop.

In sum, thanks for sharing your music with me and the other neighbors at top decibel level during this godforsaken hour. I appreciate the offer, but I’ll kindly pass.

Signed,

It’s okay, I was gonna get up in five hours anyway

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