Houdini once shackled himself in chains, was submerged in a tank of water and escaped in less than a minute.
David Blaine took a stroll down the side of a skyscraper.
David Copperfield convinced that supermodel to marry him.
Impressive efforts, all three.
Read on, dear reader– I’ve done one better.
Be prepared to be astonished; brace yourself for the improbable; be ready to raise an eyebrow and say “damn.”
Behold, the greatest magic trick ever to be perpetrated on mankind:
I have watched an obscene amount of sports on TV this year and have managed to successfully stay married.
(Dramatic pause to let the certain tidal wave of “oooohhhhs” and “aaaahhhhs” wash over this post).
The proprietors of Bacon Makes It Better can feel your skepticism. We can sense your disbelief. We are abundantly aware that despite popular sentiment, not everything you read on the internet is true.
But it is most certainly real. I can tell you, in breathtaking detail, who has qualified for the NFL playoffs all while an engraved platinum band still rests on my finger.
Marriage and sports can coexist– and we are willing to share our trade secrets with you.
We have tested the method in our state of the art facility (my living room). We have applied it generously under a variety of conditions (College Bowl Games, Pro Football, NCAA hoops, golf). We have even adapted our system into a user-friendly format that we have named, during an epiphany of creative genius, the S.A.V.E. method. It is an acronym for:
S is for set-up.
Possibly the most critical part of the process. Without a proper set-up the best laid plans of mice and men would be smashed to bits. Know the day and time of the game. (NFL note: Do not assume that your game is on Sunday. The complex football schedule will squeeze games in on Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Is it a local game or out of market? Morning or afternoon)?
Know the schedule, understand the logistics involved, plan ahead. Store this knowledge safely into the recesses of your brain, right next to what’s for dinner and don’t forget to take out the trash.
A is for Approach.
It’s go time. With your knowledge of the schedule neatly tucked away plan which game you really want to see. (Don’t get greedy! You can’t see ’em all)! Tell the wife, well in advance, that you plan on watching your chosen game. Don’t dance around the subject– be direct. She will appreciate your advance planning and will be impressed by your consideration of her time.
Tread lightly, dear reader, for timing is crucial. If her favorite couple gets booted off of Dancing With The Stars or if those handbags she’s been keeping her eye on are no longer on sale, abort mission. I repeat, abort mission!
V is for Value.
Help the wife to understand the importance of the game. Tell her what’s at stake. Will a champion be crowned? Does an invite to the playoffs hang in the balance? The more value attached to the game, the more likely it becomes that she will accept your need to be a captive audience member.
Remember, this is where salesmanship is at a premium. Placing value on the game can cover a wide range of popular subjects: Is a favorite actress of hers dating the star quarterback? Plug it. Isn’t that defensive end the guy from Dancing With The Stars? Plug it. Aren’t they playing in San Francisco, the city that she loves to visit? Plug away.
Maybe you’ll even convince her to watch the game with you. Hell, it just may be the start of an activity that you’ll share together.
This may not be such a bad alternative– just so long as you are able to see the action.
Note: At no time during the approach and value stage should you whine, snivel or pout. When executed properly, you will advance to the final level…
E is for Enjoy the Game.
Spoil yourself with the fruits of your labor. Kick up your feet. Crank up the volume. Guzzle a cold one. You’ve done your due diligence, so watch your chosen game with the uninterrupted peace that you’ve created.
Warning: Be certain that such behavior is not conducted within plain view of the wife. Poor sportsmanship or excessive celebration may jeopardize future athletic viewership.
Suck, my life does not.
In summary, dear reader, the proprietors of Bacon Makes It Better implore you to try this battle-tested system, which has been made publicly available just in time for the NFL playoffs. What have you got to lose?
It may just S.A.V.E. your marriage.
The proprietors of Bacon Makes It Better assumes no liability for the poor application or general misuse of the above described method. Results may vary. Actions outside of this method should be conducted at your own peril. May cause rash or irritation. Discontinue use and call a doctor if symptoms persist. Use as directed.