Tag Archives: Humor

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

Let’s demystify Thanksgiving with an amazing array of facts:

1. In a gesture to commemorate the safe passage across the Atlantic the year prior and to give spiritual thanks for surviving one year on the new continent, the Pilgrims celebrated with a feast in the autumn of 1621.

2. The Wamponoag Indians forged a friendship with the Pilgrims; teaching the Europeans how to cultivate and live off the land.  Pilgrim Governor William Bradford  shows his appreciation by inviting the Wamponoag to their celebration.

The Indians RSVP immediately, arrived early and stayed late.

3. The original Thanksgiving feast lasted three days.  The feast ceased to become known as a celebration and officially became a part-tay!

There were no leftovers.

4. The Pilgrims supplied the beer.  (The proprietors of Bacon Makes It Better have decided to refrain from inserting a culturally insensitive joke at this time).

5. President George Washington issued the first Thanksgiving Day Proclamation 1789, and later, in 1795.

6. In 1817, the state of New York officially made Thanksgiving into an annual custom.

7. Abraham Lincoln, not to be outdone by Washington, issued his own Thanksgiving Day Proclamation in 1863.  This officially set aside the last Thursday of November as a National Holiday for Thanksgiving.

8. Franklin D. Roosevelt moved the Thanksgiving holiday to the THIRD Thursday of November in an effort to expand the Christmas shopping season and do some economic stimulation.  Congress has since moved the holiday back to Lincoln’s proclamation.

9. The Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October.  They then emigrate to the US and celebrate OUR Thanksgiving, too.  This is a blatant double-dipping of partying.  Sneaky, Canucks.

10. Benjamin Franklin lobbied for the turkey to be the national bird of the United States.  He was ardently opposed by Thomas Jefferson.  It is believed that Franklin perpetuated the term “tom” when referring to a male turkey, a stealthy rebuttal to Jefferson’s opposition.  The term still exists today.

11. Almost 88% of Americans said that they eat turkey during Thanksgiving.  It has been estimated that 46 million turkeys– one-fifth of the annual consumption total– are eaten during Thanksgiving.

Made you look!

12. Cranberries are one of three fruits that are completely indigenous to American soil.  The blueberry and the Concord grape are the others.

Cap’n Crunch Berries, while unique to the US, do not count.

13. The Detroit Lions have played a football game during every Thanksgiving since 1934 (except during World War II).  The first televised “Turkey Bowl” game was in 1956.

14. It is estimated that 38.7 million Americans will travel 50 miles or greater from home during the Thanksgiving holiday.

15. Now go out and share your gluttony of new found knowledge to your friends and relatives during Thanksgiving!

Happy Turkey Day!

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The ‘State of the Blog’ Address

Sez Me Street

2009 milestones:

Sesame Street turns 40.

The Berlin Wall came down 20 years ago.

Bacon Makes It Better receives its 3ooth visit.

It’s been said that maintaining a blog is a lot like a visit to the Grand Canyon; you shout your viewpoint into the open abyss, hoping for an intelligent reply, but the only thing you get in return is the sound of your own voice.

It is an apt comparison.

The proprietors of Bacon Makes It Better understand this frustration.  The daily ritual of checking the Blog Stats on the Dashboard can feel like studying the charts of a cardiac arrest victim.  My graphs would flatline for what seemed miles, taunting me in every measure, like a visual model of my own lifeless writing career.

I started to think maybe, I should just give up this blogging thing. My ‘fight or flight’ instinct was leaning towards the latter.

Then something funny happened.

Someone– other than my wife– actually read my blog!  Days later another poor soul stumbled upon my site.  Then another.  And another.  Soon, comments appeared and asked for my moderation.

If being an artist means that you’re able to provoke an emotional response with your chosen medium– my blog posts, in this case– then mission accomplished.  I’m ready to get all bohemian, start shopping for ascots and chop off my ear in the name of art.

But I’m not quite finished yet.  There’s still so much to write about; I feel like I’m just getting warmed up.

In this special edition post, I’d like to recognize the key moments in the short lifespan of Bacon Makes It Better:

Most popular post

1st Place- Pick a Team, Any Team.

2nd Place- Deja Vu All Over Again Or:  How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Accept The Yankees.

Most Controversial Post- Flower Power.  It’s all in good fun honey.  Honey?

First Ever Comment- Wretcheddollface about Magic In a Bottle.

Favorite Comment (Tie)- Shoutsfromtheabyss about The Obligatory Holloween Post:  An Open Letter to the Trick or Treaters in my ‘Hood.

Most Honored Guest- Donald Mills from Crabbyoldfart.

Most Frequent Visitor- Olympus Monz.

Favorite Accidental Visitor- The person who did a google search for “How do you say ‘trick or treat’ in Swedish.”  This search brought them to this post.  Hope you found what you were looking for.

Favorite Tag That Generated Traffic- R. Kelly tag for An Open Letter To The Swiss:  First You Poke Holes In My Cheese, Now This? Not quite what you expected, huh?

Best Avatar- The Burger King Head from Chappy81 aka Doin’ Work.

Most Bitter Comment- LuisJPena regarding Angel Baseball Fans on Deja Vu All Over Again Or:  How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Accept The Yankees.

Personal Favorite All-Time Post- Greetings From Antarctica:  An Open Letter To The International Olympic Committee.

Thanks, for making Bacon Makes It Better the runaway success that it is!

All ten of you.

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The Box: A Telepathic Movie Review

Dude, where's my career?

telepathy:  (Greek origin)  The sympathetic affection of one mind by the thoughts, feelings or emotions of another at a distance, without communicating through the normal channels of sensation.

In my high school days, The Book of Questions was a sensation.  The book confronted the reader with an endless stream of questions that challenged one’s moral judgment and ethical make-up.

The questions in the book were usually phrased in such a manner, or some approximation, to the following:  If you had the ability to kill a complete stranger in a unique manner– like say, pressing a red button on a mystical box–  in exchange for a million dollars, would you do it?

My buddies and I would gather ’round and pose these questions to each other; our responses were dissected and laid bare for all to criticize.

Controlled substances were optional.

It was a great way to pass the time and delude ourselves into believing we were complex and sophisticated thinkers.

Little did I know that in 2009, popular culture would try to pull that sh*t on me again, this time in the form of the movie called “The Box.”

Disclaimer:  I have not seen the movie “THE BOX”, nor do I have any desire to see it.  I have no affiliation or vested interest in the success or failure of this movie. See * page of this blog.  Nonetheless, I will review this movie with a wink and a hunch.

Five years down the road when I’m having trouble sleeping at 2 in the morning for whatever reason and the only other viewing alternative is some Tyler Perry suckfest on TBS or the late local news and a Seinfeld re-run is a half-hour away.  I have just described the only conditions where I might see any glimpse of this atrocious excuse for a movie called “The Box.”

Spoiler alert!  Do not attempt to read any further!  Spoiler alert!

1. It’s a flimsy star vehicle. They tried to seduce us by casting Cameron Diaz to salvage this mess.  Her career trajectory hasn’t exactly been upwardly mobile these days.  The producers could have found better insurance from that talking lizard.

2. The first twenty minutes of the movie is devoted to boring characterization scenes.  In order for the movie to function we have to buy into the notion that the main character is totally sympathetic and completely redemptive.  Again, Cameron Diaz as insurance.

3. Be prepared for Cameron Diaz in impeccable make-up, soft fill lighting with plenty of obnoxious close-ups as the director has proactively shot the movie in a user friendly film ratio to aid the inevitable data transfer from big screen to TV screen.

4. Despite the seemingly insurmountable moral dilemma that the trailer is projecting, Cameron Diaz will press the red button in the box.  Of course she does.

5. The person that will die as a result of her pressing the red button in the box will have eventual implications on her life.  The only suspense here is if the audience will still be awake or coherent enough to find out.

Let’s recap:

The movie “The Box.”  Why bother?

Here at Bacon Makes It Better, we don’t just rant, we offer solutions, too:

Top Five Things To Do Instead of Paying Good Money To See “The Box”

5. Clean out storm drains.

4. Visit your dentist.

3. Watch something else.  Anything else.

2. Go to the DMV.

1. Stab your eyes out with a rusty screwdriver.

Look!  I’m a film critic/ movie going consultant!

That’ll be $8.50, please.

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The Obligatory Halloween Post: An Open Letter to the Trick or Treaters In My Hood

Dear Children of the Corn,

Let me get this straight.

1.  You throw a plastic costume on that still reeks of the Wal-Mart shrink-wrap packaging that it came from.

2.  You repeatedly summon me to my front door during the ‘unwinding’ portion of my day with any combination of doorbell ringing, fist pounding, or the mechanical reciting of the words “trick or treat.”

3.  You have this ill-conceived expectation that I will distribute sugar-laden sustenance free of charge in exchange for, well, nothing.

4.  If said sugar-laden sustenance is not distributed or is of a quality that is deemed not to the standard of your sophisticated pre-adolescent pallete, you will have no alternative than to “trick” me.

4A.  “Tricks” include, but are not limited to, the smashing of a pumpkin that I spent hours meticulously carving, violating my beloved rose bushes, “fertilizing” my front lawn, etc.

This is not a holiday.  This is extortion.

We at ‘Bacon Makes it Better’ understand the tradition and history of Halloween.  We have fond memories (except for the unfortunate glow stick incident of 1986, in which case I still plead my innocence) of participating in the requisite customs of the day; costume parades, door to door candy solicitation, the candy inventory at night’s end.

Today’s Halloween is not the same as the Norman Rockwell painting  Halloween of my youth.  My stomach would hurt from the bags of candy corn I used to consume; now the disgusting commercialism of the day does the trick.

Here are some suggestions to restore the true spirit of Halloween:

1.  Focus on the kiddies. I’m okay with handing out candy to young children.  Consider it a reward for the cuteness factor.  But, if you are developing facial hair or experiencing a voice change that would get you kicked out of Menudo, it may be time to hang up your costume for good.

2. Seek creativity.  Where is it mandated that candy is the only thing we should handout as a Halloween treat?  My mom used to make candy apples for the neighborhood kids on October 31st.  Toys, puzzles and other trinkets were always welcomed in my trick or treat bag.  One year, a neighbor of ours actually handed out vintage comic books from his collection!

3.  Light a candle and say a prayer.  The origins of Halloween began as a time to remember relatives and loved ones that have passed away.  Town fiestas grew from this tradition and people would visit the cemetery to pay their respects to the deceased.  Teach humility to our children and restore this custom this year.

4.  Earn your candy.  Reciprocate my candy distribution with an act of good intent:  Mow my lawn instead of defecating on it, prune my rose bushes, compliment me on my pumpkin carving skills. Christmas has caroling, why not Halloween?  Sing me some lyrics.   Do so and additional candies will find their way into your bag.

Let’s review:

Commercialism vs. Community – Edge:  Community (Die capitalist pigs)!

Candy vs. Candy Apples – Edge:  Push  (as long as there are no razors or tacks hidden inside)

Self-righteousness vs. Humility – Edge:  Humility (Stay golden, pony boy)

Signed,

Just skip my house this year

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Final Thoughts on ‘Balloon Boy’

Let’s consider, just for a moment, the state of the world had the ‘balloon boy’ hoax been successful:

The Lifetime Network produces a made for TV docudrama entitled “When Balloons Attack: The Heene Family Saga.” Ernie Reyes, Jr. plays the role of Falcon Heene.

Those dudes from Mythbusters attempt to recreate the same conditions with a runaway weather balloon in the Palm Desert. Special guest star Ernie Reyes, Jr. reprises his role of Falcon Heene and clings to the makeshift balloon.

The movies “Bubble Boy” and “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble” experience a sudden and dramatic increase in sales and rentals.

Thousands of newly documented cases of Globophobia grip the continental United States. Ernie Reyes, Jr. is forced back into an uncomfortable retirement.

Flash to the present day: The best part of the whole ‘balloon boy’ nonsense was that their six year old son spoiled the plot. Apparently those idiot parents didn’t know that children of that age are incapable of lying. Six year olds are like a bunch of George Washingtons walking around dropping a dime on everybody, including themselves.

Fortunately for the rest of us, we all got the Scooby Doo ending: “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids.”

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An Open Letter to the Kid Blaring Music From His Car at Three in the Morning in My Quiet Suburban Cul de Sac

Dear Kid Blaring Music From His Car at Three in the Morning in My Quiet Suburban Cul de Sac,

Let me begin by writing that I don’t wish you to take my words personally. It’s just that I am a little unfocused and half-way still asleep as I write this, since your excessively loud music suddenly woke me from my deep and peaceful slumber.

It’s okay, I was gonna get up in five hours anyway.

I regret that you have had such a difficult life. Your behavior is clearly a reaction to the lack of attention that you received as a child. Your parents, damn them, should have minded you more than they did. Your desperate cry for attention did not go unheard (nice subwoofers, by the way). There’s nothing quite like a backseat full of speakers to communicate your angst to the rest of us.

The music you chose to play really helped to explain your plight. The anger and frustration in the music of that hip-hop artist you played spoke of issues that are clearly relevant to you and your lifestyle. The suburbs of Southern California can be a treacherous place, especially for a white adolescent male such as yourself. It pisses me off, too, that I have to get into my car every time I crave Starbucks. The ‘hood was never that crazy.

I can scarcely imagine how difficult it must be for you. Both of your parents (each well educated and gainfully employed) should try to understand you like I have. Just because they pay for your cell phone service doesn’t give them the authority to harass you about keeping your room clean or taking the trash out when it’s your night to do it. I bet they even gave you grief about letting you borrow the car tonight, the jerks.

Let’s recap:

Teen angst is, like, way more important than my good night’s sleep.

Your suburban existence makes hip-hop relatable for you. Totally.

If only your parents understood you like you understand hip-hop.

In sum, thanks for sharing your music with me and the other neighbors at top decibel level during this godforsaken hour. I appreciate the offer, but I’ll kindly pass.

Signed,

It’s okay, I was gonna get up in five hours anyway

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