Category Archives: Uncategorized

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

 

Waiting to Exhale (image courtesy of darkroastedblend.com)

 

 

The last time this blog was updated was sometime in late April.

As  a person who writes for a living, this is an embarrassing admission.  What the hell have I been doing for the last 6 months?  Let’s recap:

1.  I moved.

2.  I’ve gone back to school.

3.  I played fantasy baseball.

For anyone who has participated in any of the activities that I’ve listed above, you understand the mental and physical demands of each.

But I am back.

For those of you who are/ were fans of this site (all five of you), I’d like to make up for lost time.

For those of you that are new to this site, make yourself at home.

I won’t make any commitments to updating this blog on a regular basis; that will only lead to promises that I can’t keep.

I will state, however, that I plan on posting at a more frequent clip than once every six months (after six months of writing hibernation, I believe I’ve got some good material for you).

That’s all for now… stay tuned…

–The proprietors of Bacon Makes It Better

 

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The Super Bowl, Alternative Programming and Why Tim Tebow’s Pro-Life Stance May Have Missed the Target Demographic

Isn't Sleepless in Seattle on channel 2?

By nature, the author of this blog is the stubborn sort.

You say “paper or plastic” and I say “neither.”

You say “jump” and I say “sorry, I just ate breakfast.”

You say “watch the advertisement orgy of expensive TV spots during the Super Bowl” and I promptly change the channel.

And that’s exactly what I did.

While the lion’s share of the TV viewership watched Tim Tebow tell the women of America what to do with their uterus (uterii?) and while that little kid smacked his mom’s boyfriend over a bowl of Doritos, I took a peek at how the other channels chose to fill their wasted time slots.

It was a fun exercise; one that I heartily recommend.  It was my own personal social experiment where I thumb my nose at popular culture and mass consumerism to study the human nature of TV programming decisions.

Here’s what I found:

While the Saints won the coin toss and elected to receive, TBS aired Failure To Launch, a film about a whimsical 35 year old man that still lives with his folks and falls in love with Sarah Jessica Parker, the woman hired by the parents to seduce their son and convince him to move out.

It stars Matthew McConaughey, in his most challenging role.

When Peyton Manning tossed a touchdown strike to take a 10-point advantage, E! Network was showing Sleepless in Seattle, the endearing romantic comedy where the son of a recently widowed man calls a radio talk show in an attempt to find his father a new wife.  One woman hears the broadcast and goes to great lengths to meet the widowed man.

Sleepless in Seattle features the delightful cast of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

When the Saints recovered an onside kick to open the 3rd quarter, ABC countered with Stepmom, the movie where a terminally ill mother has to settle on the new woman in her ex-husband’s life, who will be the new stepmother to her children.

Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon play the conflicted women.

As the Saints secured their first-ever Super Bowl victory with a 4th quarter interception and touchdown return, the premium movie channel– Love Stories East— treated their viewers to Kate & Leopold, the fantasy romance that features the tagline ‘if they lived in the same century they’d be perfect for each other.’

The movie showcases the talents of Sleepless in Seattle star Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman, as her love interest.

On and on it went.  The WE network showed Beaches, the stirring Bette Midler drama.  The feature presentation on the Encore Movie Channel was She’s All That, followed by 10 Things I Hate About You.

My experiment seemed to confirm what we already know about the Super Bowl:  It is a Man Holiday;  the biggest sausage fest of the year;  the modern-day He-man Woman Hater’s Club.

If once is an anomaly, twice is a coincidence, and thrice is a trend, then the counter-programming to the Super Bowl proves that it is nothing more than an epic struggle between testosterone and estrogen.

As the final seconds ticked off the clock during the Super Bowl, I turned to my wife to share the results of my scientific research.

To my dismay, she was gone.

I stood up to stretch– the resulting noises from my body sounding like a door with squeaky hinges– and my living room suddenly got brighter, as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes.

I surveyed the room– it wasn’t a pretty sight:

The sofa had a life-sized mold of my ass pressed into the cushions.  A massive pile of unwashed dishes teetered in the sink.   A varied collection of empty take-out boxes littered the dining table.  The dogs were hungry and trembling with low blood sugar.  Outside, the yard looked like the canopy of a rain forest.

A note on the fridge from the wife:  Went for coffee.

What?  During the Super Bowl?

It seems that I was/ am living proof to my own experiment.

Damn, catharsis is a bitch.

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Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

Let’s demystify Thanksgiving with an amazing array of facts:

1. In a gesture to commemorate the safe passage across the Atlantic the year prior and to give spiritual thanks for surviving one year on the new continent, the Pilgrims celebrated with a feast in the autumn of 1621.

2. The Wamponoag Indians forged a friendship with the Pilgrims; teaching the Europeans how to cultivate and live off the land.  Pilgrim Governor William Bradford  shows his appreciation by inviting the Wamponoag to their celebration.

The Indians RSVP immediately, arrived early and stayed late.

3. The original Thanksgiving feast lasted three days.  The feast ceased to become known as a celebration and officially became a part-tay!

There were no leftovers.

4. The Pilgrims supplied the beer.  (The proprietors of Bacon Makes It Better have decided to refrain from inserting a culturally insensitive joke at this time).

5. President George Washington issued the first Thanksgiving Day Proclamation 1789, and later, in 1795.

6. In 1817, the state of New York officially made Thanksgiving into an annual custom.

7. Abraham Lincoln, not to be outdone by Washington, issued his own Thanksgiving Day Proclamation in 1863.  This officially set aside the last Thursday of November as a National Holiday for Thanksgiving.

8. Franklin D. Roosevelt moved the Thanksgiving holiday to the THIRD Thursday of November in an effort to expand the Christmas shopping season and do some economic stimulation.  Congress has since moved the holiday back to Lincoln’s proclamation.

9. The Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October.  They then emigrate to the US and celebrate OUR Thanksgiving, too.  This is a blatant double-dipping of partying.  Sneaky, Canucks.

10. Benjamin Franklin lobbied for the turkey to be the national bird of the United States.  He was ardently opposed by Thomas Jefferson.  It is believed that Franklin perpetuated the term “tom” when referring to a male turkey, a stealthy rebuttal to Jefferson’s opposition.  The term still exists today.

11. Almost 88% of Americans said that they eat turkey during Thanksgiving.  It has been estimated that 46 million turkeys– one-fifth of the annual consumption total– are eaten during Thanksgiving.

Made you look!

12. Cranberries are one of three fruits that are completely indigenous to American soil.  The blueberry and the Concord grape are the others.

Cap’n Crunch Berries, while unique to the US, do not count.

13. The Detroit Lions have played a football game during every Thanksgiving since 1934 (except during World War II).  The first televised “Turkey Bowl” game was in 1956.

14. It is estimated that 38.7 million Americans will travel 50 miles or greater from home during the Thanksgiving holiday.

15. Now go out and share your gluttony of new found knowledge to your friends and relatives during Thanksgiving!

Happy Turkey Day!

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The ‘State of the Blog’ Address

Sez Me Street

2009 milestones:

Sesame Street turns 40.

The Berlin Wall came down 20 years ago.

Bacon Makes It Better receives its 3ooth visit.

It’s been said that maintaining a blog is a lot like a visit to the Grand Canyon; you shout your viewpoint into the open abyss, hoping for an intelligent reply, but the only thing you get in return is the sound of your own voice.

It is an apt comparison.

The proprietors of Bacon Makes It Better understand this frustration.  The daily ritual of checking the Blog Stats on the Dashboard can feel like studying the charts of a cardiac arrest victim.  My graphs would flatline for what seemed miles, taunting me in every measure, like a visual model of my own lifeless writing career.

I started to think maybe, I should just give up this blogging thing. My ‘fight or flight’ instinct was leaning towards the latter.

Then something funny happened.

Someone– other than my wife– actually read my blog!  Days later another poor soul stumbled upon my site.  Then another.  And another.  Soon, comments appeared and asked for my moderation.

If being an artist means that you’re able to provoke an emotional response with your chosen medium– my blog posts, in this case– then mission accomplished.  I’m ready to get all bohemian, start shopping for ascots and chop off my ear in the name of art.

But I’m not quite finished yet.  There’s still so much to write about; I feel like I’m just getting warmed up.

In this special edition post, I’d like to recognize the key moments in the short lifespan of Bacon Makes It Better:

Most popular post

1st Place- Pick a Team, Any Team.

2nd Place- Deja Vu All Over Again Or:  How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Accept The Yankees.

Most Controversial Post- Flower Power.  It’s all in good fun honey.  Honey?

First Ever Comment- Wretcheddollface about Magic In a Bottle.

Favorite Comment (Tie)- Shoutsfromtheabyss about The Obligatory Holloween Post:  An Open Letter to the Trick or Treaters in my ‘Hood.

Most Honored Guest- Donald Mills from Crabbyoldfart.

Most Frequent Visitor- Olympus Monz.

Favorite Accidental Visitor- The person who did a google search for “How do you say ‘trick or treat’ in Swedish.”  This search brought them to this post.  Hope you found what you were looking for.

Favorite Tag That Generated Traffic- R. Kelly tag for An Open Letter To The Swiss:  First You Poke Holes In My Cheese, Now This? Not quite what you expected, huh?

Best Avatar- The Burger King Head from Chappy81 aka Doin’ Work.

Most Bitter Comment- LuisJPena regarding Angel Baseball Fans on Deja Vu All Over Again Or:  How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Accept The Yankees.

Personal Favorite All-Time Post- Greetings From Antarctica:  An Open Letter To The International Olympic Committee.

Thanks, for making Bacon Makes It Better the runaway success that it is!

All ten of you.

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