By nature, the author of this blog is the stubborn sort.
You say “paper or plastic” and I say “neither.”
You say “jump” and I say “sorry, I just ate breakfast.”
You say “watch the advertisement orgy of expensive TV spots during the Super Bowl” and I promptly change the channel.
And that’s exactly what I did.
While the lion’s share of the TV viewership watched Tim Tebow tell the women of America what to do with their uterus (uterii?) and while that little kid smacked his mom’s boyfriend over a bowl of Doritos, I took a peek at how the other channels chose to fill their wasted time slots.
It was a fun exercise; one that I heartily recommend. It was my own personal social experiment where I thumb my nose at popular culture and mass consumerism to study the human nature of TV programming decisions.
Here’s what I found:
While the Saints won the coin toss and elected to receive, TBS aired Failure To Launch, a film about a whimsical 35 year old man that still lives with his folks and falls in love with Sarah Jessica Parker, the woman hired by the parents to seduce their son and convince him to move out.
It stars Matthew McConaughey, in his most challenging role.
When Peyton Manning tossed a touchdown strike to take a 10-point advantage, E! Network was showing Sleepless in Seattle, the endearing romantic comedy where the son of a recently widowed man calls a radio talk show in an attempt to find his father a new wife. One woman hears the broadcast and goes to great lengths to meet the widowed man.
Sleepless in Seattle features the delightful cast of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.
When the Saints recovered an onside kick to open the 3rd quarter, ABC countered with Stepmom, the movie where a terminally ill mother has to settle on the new woman in her ex-husband’s life, who will be the new stepmother to her children.
Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon play the conflicted women.
As the Saints secured their first-ever Super Bowl victory with a 4th quarter interception and touchdown return, the premium movie channel– Love Stories East— treated their viewers to Kate & Leopold, the fantasy romance that features the tagline ‘if they lived in the same century they’d be perfect for each other.’
The movie showcases the talents of Sleepless in Seattle star Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman, as her love interest.
On and on it went. The WE network showed Beaches, the stirring Bette Midler drama. The feature presentation on the Encore Movie Channel was She’s All That, followed by 10 Things I Hate About You.
My experiment seemed to confirm what we already know about the Super Bowl: It is a Man Holiday; the biggest sausage fest of the year; the modern-day He-man Woman Hater’s Club.
If once is an anomaly, twice is a coincidence, and thrice is a trend, then the counter-programming to the Super Bowl proves that it is nothing more than an epic struggle between testosterone and estrogen.
As the final seconds ticked off the clock during the Super Bowl, I turned to my wife to share the results of my scientific research.
To my dismay, she was gone.
I stood up to stretch– the resulting noises from my body sounding like a door with squeaky hinges– and my living room suddenly got brighter, as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes.
I surveyed the room– it wasn’t a pretty sight:
The sofa had a life-sized mold of my ass pressed into the cushions. A massive pile of unwashed dishes teetered in the sink. A varied collection of empty take-out boxes littered the dining table. The dogs were hungry and trembling with low blood sugar. Outside, the yard looked like the canopy of a rain forest.
A note on the fridge from the wife: Went for coffee.
What? During the Super Bowl?
It seems that I was/ am living proof to my own experiment.
Damn, catharsis is a bitch.