Category Archives: Open Letters

To whom it may concern…

The Obligatory Halloween Post: An Open Letter to the Trick or Treaters In My Hood

Dear Children of the Corn,

Let me get this straight.

1.  You throw a plastic costume on that still reeks of the Wal-Mart shrink-wrap packaging that it came from.

2.  You repeatedly summon me to my front door during the ‘unwinding’ portion of my day with any combination of doorbell ringing, fist pounding, or the mechanical reciting of the words “trick or treat.”

3.  You have this ill-conceived expectation that I will distribute sugar-laden sustenance free of charge in exchange for, well, nothing.

4.  If said sugar-laden sustenance is not distributed or is of a quality that is deemed not to the standard of your sophisticated pre-adolescent pallete, you will have no alternative than to “trick” me.

4A.  “Tricks” include, but are not limited to, the smashing of a pumpkin that I spent hours meticulously carving, violating my beloved rose bushes, “fertilizing” my front lawn, etc.

This is not a holiday.  This is extortion.

We at ‘Bacon Makes it Better’ understand the tradition and history of Halloween.  We have fond memories (except for the unfortunate glow stick incident of 1986, in which case I still plead my innocence) of participating in the requisite customs of the day; costume parades, door to door candy solicitation, the candy inventory at night’s end.

Today’s Halloween is not the same as the Norman Rockwell painting  Halloween of my youth.  My stomach would hurt from the bags of candy corn I used to consume; now the disgusting commercialism of the day does the trick.

Here are some suggestions to restore the true spirit of Halloween:

1.  Focus on the kiddies. I’m okay with handing out candy to young children.  Consider it a reward for the cuteness factor.  But, if you are developing facial hair or experiencing a voice change that would get you kicked out of Menudo, it may be time to hang up your costume for good.

2. Seek creativity.  Where is it mandated that candy is the only thing we should handout as a Halloween treat?  My mom used to make candy apples for the neighborhood kids on October 31st.  Toys, puzzles and other trinkets were always welcomed in my trick or treat bag.  One year, a neighbor of ours actually handed out vintage comic books from his collection!

3.  Light a candle and say a prayer.  The origins of Halloween began as a time to remember relatives and loved ones that have passed away.  Town fiestas grew from this tradition and people would visit the cemetery to pay their respects to the deceased.  Teach humility to our children and restore this custom this year.

4.  Earn your candy.  Reciprocate my candy distribution with an act of good intent:  Mow my lawn instead of defecating on it, prune my rose bushes, compliment me on my pumpkin carving skills. Christmas has caroling, why not Halloween?  Sing me some lyrics.   Do so and additional candies will find their way into your bag.

Let’s review:

Commercialism vs. Community – Edge:  Community (Die capitalist pigs)!

Candy vs. Candy Apples – Edge:  Push  (as long as there are no razors or tacks hidden inside)

Self-righteousness vs. Humility – Edge:  Humility (Stay golden, pony boy)

Signed,

Just skip my house this year

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An Open Letter to the Kid Blaring Music From His Car at Three in the Morning in My Quiet Suburban Cul de Sac

Dear Kid Blaring Music From His Car at Three in the Morning in My Quiet Suburban Cul de Sac,

Let me begin by writing that I don’t wish you to take my words personally. It’s just that I am a little unfocused and half-way still asleep as I write this, since your excessively loud music suddenly woke me from my deep and peaceful slumber.

It’s okay, I was gonna get up in five hours anyway.

I regret that you have had such a difficult life. Your behavior is clearly a reaction to the lack of attention that you received as a child. Your parents, damn them, should have minded you more than they did. Your desperate cry for attention did not go unheard (nice subwoofers, by the way). There’s nothing quite like a backseat full of speakers to communicate your angst to the rest of us.

The music you chose to play really helped to explain your plight. The anger and frustration in the music of that hip-hop artist you played spoke of issues that are clearly relevant to you and your lifestyle. The suburbs of Southern California can be a treacherous place, especially for a white adolescent male such as yourself. It pisses me off, too, that I have to get into my car every time I crave Starbucks. The ‘hood was never that crazy.

I can scarcely imagine how difficult it must be for you. Both of your parents (each well educated and gainfully employed) should try to understand you like I have. Just because they pay for your cell phone service doesn’t give them the authority to harass you about keeping your room clean or taking the trash out when it’s your night to do it. I bet they even gave you grief about letting you borrow the car tonight, the jerks.

Let’s recap:

Teen angst is, like, way more important than my good night’s sleep.

Your suburban existence makes hip-hop relatable for you. Totally.

If only your parents understood you like you understand hip-hop.

In sum, thanks for sharing your music with me and the other neighbors at top decibel level during this godforsaken hour. I appreciate the offer, but I’ll kindly pass.

Signed,

It’s okay, I was gonna get up in five hours anyway

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Greetings From Antarctica: An Open Letter To The International Olympic Committee

Dear IOC:

Your selection of Rio de Janeiro as host city for the 2016 Olympic Games has been received with much controversy; particularly with consideration to your apparent spurning of United States President Barack Obama in his widely publicized campaign to secure the games for Chicago.

The other finalists, Tokyo and Madrid, also made noble efforts to win the Olympics, however this letter wishes to draw attention to your ghastly oversight and the error of your ways: Antarctica, the real thunder from down under, rightfully deserves to host the Olympiad.

The politics of the selection process continues to be a point of frustration. European sites have a tremendous advantage as the largest chunk of voters. Some 40 constituents can pool their votes together to effectively shut out other hopefuls. Even Antarctica realizes that Europeans are cock-blocking the rest of us!

Madrid is a gorgeous city, but let’s be frank: the only reason Madrid made the final round of consideration is that Juan Antonio Samaranch, former IOC president of some 20 years and himself a Spaniard, made a passionate plea to his cronies to throw him a bone.

Mr. Samaranch even stooped to an embarrassing low by saying that at age 89 he didn’t have much time left. Hola Juan! Antarctica understands more than most the limitations of time. Thanks to global warming, our continent will be reduced to the size of the Guam in thirty years. That only leaves Antarctica a scant few years to host the Games.

Now that Rio has been named a host site, South America is no longer on that short list entitled “Continents NEVER To Have Hosted an Olympics.” Now, that dubious honor falls to Africa and Antarctica.

Dear members of the IOC, don’t give Africa an Olympic city before us! You would be sending the wrong message to the world by rewarding civil unrest, guerrila warfare and blood diamonds. You never read about Antarctica suppressing the right to vote or trading ivory tusks on the black market. Even the Swiss are envious of our neutrality!

And Rio is, well, Rio. Can the athletes even concentrate with all those scantily clad natives strutting around? Isn’t “The Thong Song” their national anthem down there? Fast forward to eight months past the 2016 Games in Rio and you’ll discover a stunning population spurt that will further stress the lower income bracket and increase the slash and burn agriculture that Brazil is so famous for!

In Antarctica, our thick parkas will allow contestants to focus entirely on the competition. Okay, so layers of clothing will probably prevent world records from falling. But if a sprinter crosses the finish line first against a gale force wind across the frozen tundra with a polar bear in hot pursuit, he definitely deserves the gold.

Now we in Antarctica understand your immediate concerns. We lack the venues and the infrastructure to host most, if not all, the events. It is raw and untamed country down here with primitive, make-shift facilities.

But that is the beauty of having the Games down here!

The spirit of the Games is to compete with sportsmanship and humility. A sudden blizzard or a glacial tremor will build instant camaraderie!

And consider the limited harmful environmental impact the Antarctic Games would create. The Olympic village could be constructed entirely of tents, ice blocks and igloos. It would be like a sub-degree Woodstock!

I know it’s probably more likely that we will host a Winter Olympics before the Summer edition, but hear us out: Our cool, pristine, pollution-free conditions are optimal for any athletic competition. Besides, who watches the Winter Games anyway (other than for Ladies Ice Skating)? Antarctica wants ratings!

Let’s recap:

Europe – Haters.

Madrid (paella and tapas) vs. Antarctica (whale sashimi and ice slushies) Edge – Antarctica

Rio – First rated R broadcast in Olympics history.

Africa (pestilence and coup attempts) vs. Antarctica (fresh water and penguins) Edge – Antarctica

We realize that the Summer Olympics lasts a whole two weeks, but that’s how long our summer are anyways.

In sum, please consider Antarctica as a future Summer Olympic host.

Signed,

The handful of scientists and researchers that make up Antarctica’s population

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