Dear Children of the Corn,
Let me get this straight.
1. You throw a plastic costume on that still reeks of the Wal-Mart shrink-wrap packaging that it came from.
2. You repeatedly summon me to my front door during the ‘unwinding’ portion of my day with any combination of doorbell ringing, fist pounding, or the mechanical reciting of the words “trick or treat.”
3. You have this ill-conceived expectation that I will distribute sugar-laden sustenance free of charge in exchange for, well, nothing.
4. If said sugar-laden sustenance is not distributed or is of a quality that is deemed not to the standard of your sophisticated pre-adolescent pallete, you will have no alternative than to “trick” me.
4A. “Tricks” include, but are not limited to, the smashing of a pumpkin that I spent hours meticulously carving, violating my beloved rose bushes, “fertilizing” my front lawn, etc.
This is not a holiday. This is extortion.
We at ‘Bacon Makes it Better’ understand the tradition and history of Halloween. We have fond memories (except for the unfortunate glow stick incident of 1986, in which case I still plead my innocence) of participating in the requisite customs of the day; costume parades, door to door candy solicitation, the candy inventory at night’s end.
Today’s Halloween is not the same as the Norman Rockwell painting Halloween of my youth. My stomach would hurt from the bags of candy corn I used to consume; now the disgusting commercialism of the day does the trick.
Here are some suggestions to restore the true spirit of Halloween:
1. Focus on the kiddies. I’m okay with handing out candy to young children. Consider it a reward for the cuteness factor. But, if you are developing facial hair or experiencing a voice change that would get you kicked out of Menudo, it may be time to hang up your costume for good.
2. Seek creativity. Where is it mandated that candy is the only thing we should handout as a Halloween treat? My mom used to make candy apples for the neighborhood kids on October 31st. Toys, puzzles and other trinkets were always welcomed in my trick or treat bag. One year, a neighbor of ours actually handed out vintage comic books from his collection!
3. Light a candle and say a prayer. The origins of Halloween began as a time to remember relatives and loved ones that have passed away. Town fiestas grew from this tradition and people would visit the cemetery to pay their respects to the deceased. Teach humility to our children and restore this custom this year.
4. Earn your candy. Reciprocate my candy distribution with an act of good intent: Mow my lawn instead of defecating on it, prune my rose bushes, compliment me on my pumpkin carving skills. Christmas has caroling, why not Halloween? Sing me some lyrics. Do so and additional candies will find their way into your bag.
Commercialism vs. Community – Edge: Community (Die capitalist pigs)!
Candy vs. Candy Apples – Edge: Push (as long as there are no razors or tacks hidden inside)
Self-righteousness vs. Humility – Edge: Humility (Stay golden, pony boy)
Just skip my house this year