Dear Kid Blaring Music From His Car at Three in the Morning in My Quiet Suburban Cul de Sac,
Let me begin by writing that I don’t wish you to take my words personally. It’s just that I am a little unfocused and half-way still asleep as I write this, since your excessively loud music suddenly woke me from my deep and peaceful slumber.
It’s okay, I was gonna get up in five hours anyway.
I regret that you have had such a difficult life. Your behavior is clearly a reaction to the lack of attention that you received as a child. Your parents, damn them, should have minded you more than they did. Your desperate cry for attention did not go unheard (nice subwoofers, by the way). There’s nothing quite like a backseat full of speakers to communicate your angst to the rest of us.
The music you chose to play really helped to explain your plight. The anger and frustration in the music of that hip-hop artist you played spoke of issues that are clearly relevant to you and your lifestyle. The suburbs of Southern California can be a treacherous place, especially for a white adolescent male such as yourself. It pisses me off, too, that I have to get into my car every time I crave Starbucks. The ‘hood was never that crazy.
I can scarcely imagine how difficult it must be for you. Both of your parents (each well educated and gainfully employed) should try to understand you like I have. Just because they pay for your cell phone service doesn’t give them the authority to harass you about keeping your room clean or taking the trash out when it’s your night to do it. I bet they even gave you grief about letting you borrow the car tonight, the jerks.
Teen angst is, like, way more important than my good night’s sleep.
Your suburban existence makes hip-hop relatable for you. Totally.
If only your parents understood you like you understand hip-hop.
In sum, thanks for sharing your music with me and the other neighbors at top decibel level during this godforsaken hour. I appreciate the offer, but I’ll kindly pass.
It’s okay, I was gonna get up in five hours anyway