Daily Archives: October 3, 2009

Greetings From Antarctica: An Open Letter To The International Olympic Committee

Dear IOC:

Your selection of Rio de Janeiro as host city for the 2016 Olympic Games has been received with much controversy; particularly with consideration to your apparent spurning of United States President Barack Obama in his widely publicized campaign to secure the games for Chicago.

The other finalists, Tokyo and Madrid, also made noble efforts to win the Olympics, however this letter wishes to draw attention to your ghastly oversight and the error of your ways: Antarctica, the real thunder from down under, rightfully deserves to host the Olympiad.

The politics of the selection process continues to be a point of frustration. European sites have a tremendous advantage as the largest chunk of voters. Some 40 constituents can pool their votes together to effectively shut out other hopefuls. Even Antarctica realizes that Europeans are cock-blocking the rest of us!

Madrid is a gorgeous city, but let’s be frank: the only reason Madrid made the final round of consideration is that Juan Antonio Samaranch, former IOC president of some 20 years and himself a Spaniard, made a passionate plea to his cronies to throw him a bone.

Mr. Samaranch even stooped to an embarrassing low by saying that at age 89 he didn’t have much time left. Hola Juan! Antarctica understands more than most the limitations of time. Thanks to global warming, our continent will be reduced to the size of the Guam in thirty years. That only leaves Antarctica a scant few years to host the Games.

Now that Rio has been named a host site, South America is no longer on that short list entitled “Continents NEVER To Have Hosted an Olympics.” Now, that dubious honor falls to Africa and Antarctica.

Dear members of the IOC, don’t give Africa an Olympic city before us! You would be sending the wrong message to the world by rewarding civil unrest, guerrila warfare and blood diamonds. You never read about Antarctica suppressing the right to vote or trading ivory tusks on the black market. Even the Swiss are envious of our neutrality!

And Rio is, well, Rio. Can the athletes even concentrate with all those scantily clad natives strutting around? Isn’t “The Thong Song” their national anthem down there? Fast forward to eight months past the 2016 Games in Rio and you’ll discover a stunning population spurt that will further stress the lower income bracket and increase the slash and burn agriculture that Brazil is so famous for!

In Antarctica, our thick parkas will allow contestants to focus entirely on the competition. Okay, so layers of clothing will probably prevent world records from falling. But if a sprinter crosses the finish line first against a gale force wind across the frozen tundra with a polar bear in hot pursuit, he definitely deserves the gold.

Now we in Antarctica understand your immediate concerns. We lack the venues and the infrastructure to host most, if not all, the events. It is raw and untamed country down here with primitive, make-shift facilities.

But that is the beauty of having the Games down here!

The spirit of the Games is to compete with sportsmanship and humility. A sudden blizzard or a glacial tremor will build instant camaraderie!

And consider the limited harmful environmental impact the Antarctic Games would create. The Olympic village could be constructed entirely of tents, ice blocks and igloos. It would be like a sub-degree Woodstock!

I know it’s probably more likely that we will host a Winter Olympics before the Summer edition, but hear us out: Our cool, pristine, pollution-free conditions are optimal for any athletic competition. Besides, who watches the Winter Games anyway (other than for Ladies Ice Skating)? Antarctica wants ratings!

Let’s recap:

Europe – Haters.

Madrid (paella and tapas) vs. Antarctica (whale sashimi and ice slushies) Edge – Antarctica

Rio – First rated R broadcast in Olympics history.

Africa (pestilence and coup attempts) vs. Antarctica (fresh water and penguins) Edge – Antarctica

We realize that the Summer Olympics lasts a whole two weeks, but that’s how long our summer are anyways.

In sum, please consider Antarctica as a future Summer Olympic host.


The handful of scientists and researchers that make up Antarctica’s population

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Filed under Olympics, Open Letters, Sports